The Royal and the Holy Anaesthetic
by Flick1138
Summary: A Monty Python and the Holy Grail-esque adventure takes place at St Aidan's Royal Free Hospital.
1. Chapter 1

**Scene 1: Amateur Objective**

Narrator: Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, well actually it was just on the North Yorkshire coast, but anyway, there was a hospital. Now this hospital was very lucky, because they had a magic Anaesthetic, which made all their operations go right.

But one day, sometime on a friday lunchtime before evening surgery began, they discovered that their Holy Anaesthetic had been stolen! They did not know what to do. All their operations kept going wrong. Mr Rose became irritated when patients insulted them, they woke up during operations for no apparent reason, or they slapped the doctors.

One day, a brave group of doctors decided enough was enough. A group of brave Knights set out to recover the Anaesthetic!

Sir Ormerod, The Brave!

(Appears, proudly carrying two empty halves of coconuts)

Sir Goodwin, The Not So Brave!

(Appears, brandishing a bread knife)

Sir Weatherill, The Keeper of the Mini!

(Appears, brandishing a sword)

Sir Klein, The Pure!

(Appears, brandishing a book on Psychiatry)

and Sir Cheriton (deceased), and thus aptly named Sir Not Appearing In This Adventure!

They knew they would face many dangers along the way, but bravely set off on their quest to recover the Holy Anaesthetic and restore Mr Rose's good mood, which had disintegrated rapidly, since he had less operations to perform, which led to limited smoking opportunities. Although, whether that would ever make him nice to Dr Goodwin, is debatable.

_The Knights begin to ride away. Sir Ormerod is banging the two empty coconut halves together. Suddenly, Sir Ormerod drops one, and the whole party comes to a stand-still!_

Amateurs!

_The Knights look insulted and ride away._


	2. Chapter 2

**Scene 2: Porter's Pastimes**

_Alun and Ken are in the Porter's Room, discussing where to hide a budgie so Mr Harper wouldn't find it, since Ken had agreed to look after the budgie for a week._

Alun: Up the chimney!

Ken: He'll look there though, won't he. He thought that pidgeon was up there, remember, and told us to put poison down.

Alun: Oh yeah.

_Both look glum from lack of ideas, unaware that their thoughts were soon to be disrupted by something even more sinister._

_Suddenly, the door bursts open, and the Knights gallop in, armed with their missiles._

Sir Ormerod: Alright you two! Where have you disposed of it?

Alun: Disposed of what?

Sir Weatherill: Our Holy Anaesthetic?

Ken: Now wait a minute...

Sir Klein: It's probably up the chimney. I'm sure there's a shelf up there where they hide everything but a one-eay ticket to Khatmandu!

Sir Goodwin: The missing bed linen's probably up there too!

Sir Weatherill: Sir Ormerod, Sir Goodwin - check it out.

_The two Knights check it out, while their comrades wait in anticipation of what they may find._

_The Knights returned having found only the missing bed linen and soot and cobwebs (visible to the naked eye)._

Sir Klein: Anything?

Sir Ormerod: Only the bed linen...

Sir Goodwin: ...as expected!

Ken: It was for a good cause.

PAUSE

_The Knights raise their eyebrows and shake their heads in disapproval._

Sir Ormerod: Let us continue our quest!

_The Knights gallop off down the corridor, followed closely by Ken and Alun, both armed with bedpans._


	3. Chapter 3

**Scene 3: In The Closet**

Narrator: As the brave group of Knights approached the closed door of Matron's office, they prepared themselves for a tough battle. They paused for a moment outside the door, in order to collect their thoughts. Then they pounced.

Sir Ormerod: What have you done with it?

Sir Goodwin: Have you put it in the safe?

Sir Weatherill: (to Sir Goodwin) I've checked there.

Matron: If you tell me what it is that you're looking for, then maybe I can help.

Sir Klein: Our Holy Anaesthetic, that makes all our operations go right.

Matron: (inquisitively) The Holy Anaesthetic...

_All eyes are upon Matron._

Matron: No, I don't recall. Although, it may be in a Linen Cupboard.

Sir Goodwin: Then show us the way, Matron!

Narrator: They all follow Matron along a quiet corridor until they reach the Linen Cupboard. They all stop and stare longingly at the door. Sir Ormerod and Sir Goodwin look at oneanother and simultaneously push the door open together.

Mr Rose: BOO!

Narrator: All the Knights reel back in fright at the shock of having Mr Rose jump out at them from a linen cupboard.

_Mr Rose is standing with his arms outstretched, pipe in right hand, looking triumphant._

Mr Rose: Aha! I knew I'd get someone eventually!

_He winks at them._

Sir Klein: We wondered where you'd disappeared to. How long have you been in here?

Mr Rose: Humph! Alun - I need you in theatre. Mr Kingsley's gangrenous leg will not wait and I need yours and Dr Alway's expertise to do the Anaesthetic.

Sir Klein: Why Dr Alway?

Mr Rose: Because Dr Goodwin can never be relied upon. Goodness knows - the man will be late for his own funeral.

_Alun looks downhearted._

Alun: But Mr Rose - the adventure!

_Mr Rose raises an eyebrow._

Mr Rose: Come on man, I don't have all day!

_Alun reluctantly follows Mr Rose along the corridor._

Narrator: After the Knights, aided by Matron and Ken, had searched for and not found the Anaesthetic in the linen cupboard, they reluctantly retreat and decide to have a cup of coffee in the Staff Room.


	4. Chapter 4

**Scene 4: Needle Point**

Narrator: When the Knights and their hardy band arrived at the Staff Room for their cup of coffee, they were in for a nasty surprise.

Staff Nurse Taylor: Ni-eedle!

Nurse Beaumont: Ni-eedle!

Nurse Davenport: Ni-eedle!

Sir Klein: _In a scared tone of voice. _Who are you?

Staff Nurse Taylor: We are the Knights who say Ni-eedle!

Sir Weatherill: Oh no...

Matron: Not they.

Nurse Davenport: It is us! The Knights who say Ni-eedle and we demand a sacrifice for your safe passage.

Sir Ormerod: Knights, we seek the Holy Anaesthetic, which lies beyond the Staff Room.

Sir Goodwin: But we are stopping for a coffee break.

Nurse Beaumont: Why do they stop for coffee do you think?

Nurse Davenport: _Thinks. _I don't know. Staff Nurse Taylor?

Staff Nurse Taylor: _Thinks too._ I don't know either.

Nurse Davenport: Refreshment?

_Nurse Beaumont and Staff Nurse Taylor look at Nurse Davenport as if she is mad and respond._

Nurse Beaumont and Staff Nurse Taylor: No.

Narrator: The Knights look puzzled over the Ni-eedle Knights confusion. Deciding they had more chance of passing while the Ni-eedle Knights were busy, the Knights begin to creep closer to the Ni-eedle Knights.

Nurse Davenport: Ni-eedle!

Staff Nurse Taylor: Ni-eedle!

Nurse Beaumont: Ni-eedle!

_The Knights collapse to the ground._

Matron: No!

Sir Ormerod: Please stop it!

Staff Nurse Taylor: We shall say Ni-eedle unless you appease us.

Sir Weatherill: Very well. What do you want?

Nurse Davenport: More Nurse's hats!

Staff Nurse Taylor: No...

Nurse Beaumont: More nights out.

Staff Nurse Taylor: No...

Sir Weatherill: Well...

Staff Nurse Taylor: Nursing is a very thirsty job, so you must bring us some more teabags.

Nurses Beaumont and Davenport: Oh yes! Yes!

Sir Ormerod: Teabags...

Staff Nurse Taylor: Yes.

Sir Ormerod: Very well, Knights who say Ni-eedle! We will bring you some teabags.

Sir Weatherill: Any particular brand?

Nurse Davenport: Not those cheap ones that Mr Harper bought for the hospital.

Nurse Beaumont: They were PG Tips - horrible.

Staff Nurse Taylor: Yes - all the patients complained.

_The hardy band of Knights look round at oneanother and decide to leave_.

Nurse Davenport: Wait! Wait! Bring us some fruit teas.

Sir Goodwin: Very well. Hangs around.

Staff Nurse Taylor: Ni-eedle!

Nurse Beaumont: Ni-eedle!

Nurse Davenport: Ni-eedle!

_Sir Goodwin runs after the rest of the Knights, who are retreating fast._


	5. Chapter 5

**Scene 5: Pricked by a Rose**

Narrator: Mr Rose is operating on Mr Kingsley's gangrenous leg, assisted by Nurse Deane and Alun, who is making sure the patient's breathing and heart rate stay normal. Alun is staring obliviously at a wall, daydreaming about the adventure.

Mr Rose: Alun! Alun, man! Will you please concentrate. If we do not concentrate, we do not learn. We certainly do not want this patient to die on us, do we?

Alun: No, Mr Rose. _Alun looks glum._

Mr Rose: Cheer up, man. It might never happen.

Narrator: Without changing his expression, Alun looks at Mr Rose blankly.

HALF AN HOUR LATER

Mr Rose: Done! _Smiles with satisfaction._

Alun: Can I go now, Mr Rose?

Mr Rose: No! I want you to dispose of this leg. Dr Alway? Can you finish up in here? I was due on the golf course twenty minutes ago. Woah!

Narrator: Mr Rose turned around pulling his gloves off, to find Dr Goodwin's bread knife in his face.

Sir Ormerod: Okay, where is it?

Mr Rose: What are you on about, man?

Sir Weatherill: The Holy Anaesthetic?

Narrator: Sir Weatherill adopts her sarcastic, no nonsense tone of voice and also raises one eyebrow. Meanwhile, Mr Rose, who was secretly basking with delight at the idea of the doctors having lost something so valuable to themselves, went on to say...

Mr Rose: Well, I don't know where it is, woman! Now if you'll excuse me, I intend to get a round of golf in, before my partner gives up on me.

_Sir Ormerod sighs._

Sir Ormerod: Very well then. _He looks at Sir Weatherill and shakes his head._


	6. Chapter 6

**Scene 6: The Darkest Hour**

Narrator: The Knights, Ken, Alun and Matron set off down the corridor towards Reception. Alun was carrying the gangrenous leg, which was wrapped up and ready for him to take to the incinerator to be burnt. As they passed Milner Ward, they could feel bad vibes surrounding them. From nowhere, in front of them, was someone, something, which made them all gasp with fright.

Black Knight: None shall pass!

Matron: I beg your pardon?

Black Knight: None shall pass unless one of you can tell me where to get a decent coffee around here. I've had a patient complaint.

Narrator: The Black Knight places special emphasis on the word "complaint". Meanwhile, the group look cautiously at each other.

Black Knight: Well...

Ken: You did get rid of Edna, Mr Harper...

Alun: And replace her with that awful machine.

Black Knight: But...but...

Sir Weatherill: _To Sir Ormerod. _Shall we try and creep past, while he's distracted?

Sir Ormerod: Good plan!

Sir Weatherill: _To Sir Goodwin_ Sir Goodwin, We're going to try and creep past whilst he's not looking.

Sir Goodwin: Okay.

Sir Ormerod: You two go that way, I'll go this way. Matron?

Matron: Yes, Sir Ormerod?

Sir Ormerod: We're going to try and creep past when Mr Harper's not looking. Sir Goodwin and Sir Weatherill will go that way, we'll go this way.

Matron: Okay. But what about Ken and Alun?

Sir Ormerod: Hmmmm...

Sir Goodwin: I'm sure they'll follow on when they see what we're doing.

Matron: If you're sure.

Sir Weatherill: Well, are we ready then?

Sir Ormerod: Yes. Let's go.

Narrator: As they try and make a run for it, the Black Knight puts out both his arms, outstretched, in an attempt to stop them breaking free. It was his lucky day. They all shirked back in fright.

Black Knight: I said, none shall pass!

Sir Goodwin: But we need to get past. To find the Holy Anaesthetic!

Black Knight: Do you ever listen? What have I just said?

Alun: "Do you ever listen...?" _Alun looks confused as he says this._

Black Knight: Before that, you idiot! _He rolls his eyes and looks unimpressed._

Narrator: Sir Weatherill calmly raises an eyebrow at Mr Harper, who discovers the need to defend himself.

Black Knight: What? You cannot beat me! I am invincible!

Ken: _To Alun and Matron._ He's definitely lost it.

Alun: He needs psychiatric help.

Matron: What he needs is...

Mr Rose: _Addressing Alun._ Well, what are you waiting for, man? Get him with the leg!

Sir Ormerod: _Quietly addressing Sir Weatherill, Sir Klein and Sir Goodwin._ Was this all part of the plan? Or are we just supposed to go along with this?

Sir Klein: I think we just go along with it and see what happens.

Sir Ormerod: Okay.

Narrator: Meanwhile, Alun, is attempting to corner the Black Knight with the gangrenous leg. He is waving it dangerously, above his head, in an attempt to impair the enemy. However, previous swings had only resulted in Mr Rose's pipe being knocked from his hand, and Matron being struck in the belly.

Mr Rose: Give it here, man! And watch the pipe!

Narrator: Alun almost stands on Mr Rose's pipe as he reluctantly hands over the leg to Mr Rose.

_To be observed in slow motion._

Narrator: Mr Rose's fist shot lands on the Black Knight's left shoulder with a satisfying thump. The second hits him squarely on the right elbow. The Black Knight is, by now, quivering at Mr Rose's feet and looking pleadingly at him.

Sir Ormerod: I wonder why Mr Rose has that effect on people?

Sir Weatherill: I don't know. _She shakes her head as she says this._

Alun: Do you think we should intervene, Sir Ormerod?

Matron: I think that's a very good idea, Alun.

Sir Klein: But how?

Sir Weatherill: We all know what Mr Rose is like with legs!

Narrator: Mr Rose is striking the Black Knight with the leg with obvious enjoyment.

Sir Ormerod: I have a plan.

Ken: Thank goodness.

Matron: Well...?

_They confer._

Alun: Oh that's amazing, Sir.

Sir Ormerod: I know! _He grins cheekily._

Narrator: Sir Weatherill glares at him. Sir Ormerod clears his throat.

Sir Ormerod: Mr Rose? _He goes over to Mr Rose._

Sir Ormerod: Mr Rose? _He taps him on the shoulder._

Mr Rose: What is it, man? _He says this very abruptly._

Sir Ormerod: Ermmm...ermmm...nothing, Mr Rose.

Narrator: Mr Rose turns back to his latest hobby. Harperbashing. He was seemingly enjoying it more than his golf. Very odd.

Sir Ormerod: Okay. It's time for Plan B.

Sir Goodwin: There's a Plan B?

Sir Ormerod: Of course! All good plans have a Plan B!

Matron: But surely if it's a good plan to start with, then you don't need a Plan B? I think it needs a woman's touch, don't you agree, Sir Weatherill, Sir Klein?

Narrator: They both nod. Matron turns to face Mr Rose.

Ken: Oh Matron, maybe Sir Klein should try. We don't want you hurting yourself, do we?

Alun: No, Matron. We don't.

Matron: Very well. _She half smiles. _Sir Klein?

Narrator: Sir Klein nods and approaches Mr Rose.

Sir Klein: Mr Rose? Mr Rose? _Her voice rises._ OY! You! Mr Rose?

Narrator: Mr Rose takes a brief pause from "Harperbashing", and looks madly at Sir Klein. This gives the Black Knight enough time to crawl away towards the door.

Mr Rose: Oh now look what you've done!

Sir Klein: Maybe Alun should take the leg to the incinerator, Mr Rose.

Narrator: She indicates for Alun to take the leg with her eyes.

_Alun leaves to go to the incinerator._

Sir Klein: Mr Rose, we have to go see Lizzie. Ken says that she may be able to help us find the Holy Anaesthetic.

Narrator: Mr Rose looks from Sir Klein to the Black Knight and back again. Sir Klein raises her book on Psychiatry, and Mr Rose obeys her like a naughty child, looking sheepish.

Sir Klein: Are we all ready then?

_They all nod and head down the corridor._

Black Knight: I can still beat you, you know!

Matron: I don't see how, Mr Harper - you're black and blue.

Narrator: As they head down the corridor towards reception, they hear shouts from the Black Knight...

Black Knight: Stop! Come back! Stop! Wait, we were fighting! Come back! I'll knock you out with my keys! Oh, my shoulder! I'll get you for this, Mr Rose! Stop...


	7. Chapter 7

**Scene 7: Dizzy Lizzie**

Narrator: Lizzie is on the phone to a patient.

Lizzie: I'm sorry Mrs Wilson, but there's no surgery this afternoon. The doctors are on a training course. I can make you an appointment for tomorrow. I'm afraid it's the best I can do. Yes, I know Kenny has influenza, but there isn't a doctor around. Yes I can make you an appointment for tomorrow. Dr Weatherill, yes. Is ten o'clock alright for you, Mrs Wilson? Good. Thank you. Goodbye. Lizzie puts the phone down and sighs with frustration.

Sister Brigid: Fussy patients again, Lizzie?

Lizzie: Yes, Sister. _Lizzie looks flustered._

Narrator: Sister Brigid shakes her head, a smile playing her lips, and scurries off to investigate a commotion on Milner Ward. Lizzie looks for Dr Weatherill's patient notes and finds them.

Mr Rose: Okay, girl! What have you got for us?

Lizzie: What do you mean, "What have I got for you", Mr Rose? _Pause._ Oh, a man called... _She sifts through a pile of paper..._Denis Roundhay, called. Wanted to know why you didn't turn up for your round of golf today. I told him about the training course.

Mr Rose: What training course, woman?

Lizzie: The one Dr Ormerod said I should tell all the patients about. _She informs him doubtfully._ So, I've rung up all your patients, Dr Ormerod, and told them about the training course.

_Sir Ormerod groans and Sir Weatherill gives him a teasing smile._

_She continues._ I haven't got round to Dr Weatherill's, Dr Goodwin's or Dr Klein's patients yet though. I've been snowed under with phone calls. But I'll phone them as soon as I get the time.

Sir Ormerod: Lizzie?

Lizzie: Yes, Doctor.

Sir Ormerod: I didn't mean for you to phone all of my patients. Just the ones who may have wanted to book an appointment for today. I asked Matron to make you a list.

_Lizzie's hand shoots to her mouth in horror._

Lizzie: Oh, Dr Ormerod, I'm really sorry. The list's here somewhere. _She sifts through another hoard of papers, dating back several weeks._ Eventually she finds four sheets of paper with the patients' names on them. Well, I'll have to phone the rest of them when I've finished sorting out all these appointments for tomorrow.

Sir Ormerod: Very well.

Mr Rose: Anyway, shall we get back to the matter in hand?

Sir Weatherill: Ah, yes. Lizzie. We have been searching high and low for our Holy Anaesthetic.

Sir Goodwin: And we thought you could help.

Lizzie: Well, I haven't seen it. I've been sat here all day. But, I think there was some commotion on Milner Ward. Just before you arrived. I heard the screams, and Sister Brigid certainly went off in a hurry.

Sir Klein: Well, shall we try there then?

Sir Goodwin: Sounds a good idea. Milner Ward, here we come! He holds his bread knife, wavering in the air.

Mr Rose: Put that thing down, man. You'll have an eye out.

_Both Sir Klein and Sir Goodwin roll their eyes at this comment_.

Narrator: The Knights trot off to Milner Ward at this point, with Sir Ormerod clamoring away on the coconuts.


	8. Chapter 8

**Scene 8: A Second Pricking****  
><strong>  
>Narrator: The knights canter courageously down a long corridor, passing Nurse Deane and Mr Carnegie taking tea together in the Staff Room.<br>Sir Weatherill: Speaking to Sir Ormerod See. I told you you had nothing to worry about. He's interested in Catherine, not me. She gives her husband a reassuring smile.  
>Sir Ormerod: Well, I just like to check out the competition, you know. He is younger than me, after all.<br>Sir Weatherill: I love you, Gordon. And no man will ever change that.  
>Sir Ormerod: Good. He looks satisfied.<br>Sir Weatherill: Now concentrate on your coconuts.  
>Narrator: They continue past the doctors' offices and the Relatives' Room.<br>Mr Rose: Are we nearly there yet?  
>Sir Ormerod: Yes, we're nearly there, Mr Rose. <em>Sir Ormerod sounds a little exasperated.<em>  
>Ni-eedle Knights: Ni-eedle! Ni-eedle! Ni-eedle!<br>Matron: Not again.  
>Sir Goodwin: No!<br>Sir Klein: Not they!  
>Ni-eedle Knights: Ni-eedle! Ni-eedle! Ni-eedle!<br>Matron: Stop! Please spare us!  
>Nurse Beaumont: Have you brought us our teabags?<br>Nurse Davenport: What teas did you bring?  
>Sir Ormerod: We've brought: lemon and ginger, green tea, peppermint tea, blackcurrant, ginseng and vanilla tea, strawberry, raspberry and loganberry tea, chamomile, wild blackberry and nettle, rose hip and cranberry...<br>Nurse Beaumont: I think that'll do, Sir Ormerod.  
>Sir Klein: So can we come past now? Only, we're on our way to visit Sister Brigid on Milner Ward.<br>Nurse Beaumont: Not so fast!

_The Knights put out their arms to stop the large party passing._

Staff Nurse Taylor: We are now, no longer the Knights who say Ni-eedle! We are now the Knights who say Ankylosing Spondylitis Thrombophlebitis! And we have one more task for you before you can pass.  
>Sir Ormerod: Not again.<br>Nurse Beaumont: Ni-eedle!  
>Staff Nurse Taylor: Shh!<br>Nurse Beaumont: Sorry.  
>Sir Klein: And that task would be...<br>Nurse Beaumont: You must bring us a shopping trolley.  
>Sir Weatherill: A shopping trolley?<br>Matron: But what on earth do you need a shopping trolley for?  
>Nurse Beaumont: Because we like them...<br>Matron: You have some very strange interests, girl.  
>Nurse Davenport: We all like shopping trolleys. We just thought it would be a nice addition to the Nurses' Home.<br>Mr Rose: Garden not good enough for you, is it?  
>Sir Ormerod: And where are we supposed to get hold of this shopping trolley?<br>Staff Nurse Taylor: Ask around?  
>Nurse Davenport: Yes. And make sure it's a big one...<br>Staff Nurse Taylor: With no rubbish in it...  
>Nurse Beaumont: And without a mind of its own!<br>Sir Goodwin: Very well. We shall find you a shopping trolley, Knights.  
>Staff Nurse Taylor: Ni-eedle!<br>Nurse Beaumont: Ni-eedle!  
>Nurse Davenport: Ni-eedle!<br>Mr Rose: Okay, we're leaving! There's no need to get impatient!

_When the Ni-eedle Knights have disappeared.  
><em>  
>Matron: Thank heavens for that! They were beginning to give me a headache.<br>Ken: Would you like to sit down for a while, Matron?  
>Matron: No, thank you, Ken. I'm fine. But thank you for offering.<br>Sir Ormerod: I suppose we had better go and speak to Sister Brigid.  
>Narrator: As the Knights of The Royal stagger down the corridor, the AST Knights, from their hiding position on the patio, wait for them to pass, and for one last time, hiss, "Ni-eedle! Ni-eedle! Ni-eedle!"<p> 


	9. Chapter 9

**Scene 9: Nun Know-How**

Sister Brigid: Mr Greengrass! What a surprise! What have you been up to this time?  
>Greengrass: Me?<br>Sister Brigid: Yes, you.  
>Greengrass: N-nothing, Sister.<br>_Sister Brigid raises an eyebrow._  
>Nurse Deane: He won't let me take a blood sample, Sister.<br>Greengrass: She was waving that needle all over.  
>Sister Brigid: Now then, Mr Greengrass. Don't tell me a grown man like you, is scared of needles?<br>Greengrass: I had a bad experience in the past.  
>Sister Brigid: It doesn't hurt at all, does it Nurse Deane?<br>Nurse Deane: No.  
>Narrator: Sister Brigid gestures with her hand, that she wants Nurse Deane to continue. As Nurse Deane approaches Mr Greengrass, he shirks away again.<br>Sister Brigid: Mr Greengrass, if you won't let Nurse Deane take it, then you'll have to let me take it.  
>Narrator: Nurse Deane passes the syringe to Sister Brigid, who takes the sample expertly, from a very reluctant Greengrass.<br>Sister Brigid: All done, Mr Greengrass. You can open your eyes now.  
>Narrator: She passes the syringe back to Nurse Deane, and turns around to find an angry-looking group of spectators, barricading themselves against her desk, and waving vicious weapons in the air.<br>_Sister Brigid looks stunned.  
><em>Mr Greengrass: You've tongue-tied her!  
>Sister Brigid: Please! I will not have this kind of behaviour on my ward! Kindly put any dangerous weapons on my desk please. I am confiscating them all. Including that! She points at Sir Klein's book of Psychiatry. And you can forget about that too. <em>She adds this whilst pointing at Mr Rose, who is relighting his pipe. Mr Rose looks astounded. <em>You can put that down on my desk too.  
>Mr Rose: What is this? Confiscation Day? Madness! Total madness!<br>Nurse Deane: What do you want?  
>Sir Weatherill: Have you seen the Holy Anaesthetic?<br>Sir Klein: The one that makes all our operations go right?  
>Sister Brigid: Oh, I know the one.<br>Sir Ormerod: You know where it is then?  
>Sister Brigid: No!<br>Nurse Deane: No, sorry.  
>Sir Ormerod: Damn!<br>Sister Brigid: That's an Our Father, then Hail Mary's and a Glory Be, doctor!  
><em>Sir Ormerod raises an eyebrow.<em>  
>Lizzie: But where else can we try, Sister?<br>Sir Klein: It's okay, Lizzie, we'll find it. _Sir Klein places an arm round Lizzie's shoulders.  
><em>Sister Brigid: Have you spoken to Mr Carnegie yet?  
>Sir Ormerod: No. Perhaps he can shed some light on this mystery.<br>Sir Goodwin: Well, shall we go then?  
>Narrator: All the Knights pick up their weaponry from its place on the "Confiscated" pile on Sister Brigid's desk. After some deliberation, Mr Rose decides to light his pipe, which earns him a warning glare from Sister Brigid.<br>Sister Brigid: To Nurse Deane. Please could you make sure that blood sample of Mr Greengrass' gets off to the lab?  
>Nurse Deane: Yes, Sister.<br>Narrator: Sister Brigid picks up her Bible, and follows the rest of the group out of Milner Ward.


	10. Chapter 10

**Scene 10: Lost and Found**

Narrator: On the way to see Mr Carnegie, the large group picked up the odd stragglers, who got in their way. They met PC Bellamy, heading towards Fawcett Ward, to get a statement from a patient. They bumped into Frankie, who was just leaving the storeroom with Alun. And finally, Mr Middleditch! Who was taking a tour of the building and visiting the staff. He was amazed to find such a hardy band of Knights galloping about his corridors, armed, and carrying coconuts!

As this hardy band of Knights cantered toward Mr Carnegie's office, each raised his or her weapon. Leading the parade, Sir Ormerod clamors his coconuts, Sir Goodwin beats his bread knife, Sir Weatherill salutes with her sword and Sir Klein bears her book on Psychiatry. Behind, are Ken and Alun with their bed pans, Matron and her pristine bed linen, Mr Rose waving his golf club in the air, Lizzie armed with her patient notes and Sister Brigid, toying her holy bible! PC Bellamy, Frankie and Mr Middleditch stand fearsomely, behind.

Inside his office, Mr Carnegie works calmly on some invoices for a new X-ray machine. Little did he know what was about to happen.


	11. Chapter 11

**Scene 11: A Right Royal Ending**

Sir Ormerod: Armaments at the ready? Then let's go!  
>Narrator: The Knights barge into Mr Carnegie's office.<br>Sir Ormerod: Okay! Where is it?  
>Sir Goodwin: We know you've got it, so don't pretend you've no idea what we're talking about!<br>Mr Carnegie: Calm down!  
>Sir Klein: How can we calm down? You have our Holy Anaesthetic!<br>Mr Carnegie: What is it you've lost? A Holy Anaesthetic? Well, I'll make some inquiries and get back to you. I'm really very busy at the moment.  
>Matron: No, Mr Carnegie. <em>He looks up.<em>  
>Sir Goodwin: We've made inquiries of our own.<br>Mr Rose: We have searched far and wide, and no one has seen it.  
>Sir Goodwin: You are the only person left in this hospital we haven't spoken to. You must know where it is!<br>Mr Carnegie: Very well. I confess. I took your Holy Anaesthetic.  
>Alun: But why?<br>Lizzie: How could you?  
>Sir Weatherill: We really needed it!<br>Mr Carnegie: But surely in administration, everyone was getting the best use of it?  
>All: No!<br>Mr Carnegie: Well, doesn't it look good?  
>Sir Weatherill: We want it back!<br>Mr Carnegie: Well, you can't have it!  
>Sir Goodwin: But that's not fair!<br>Mr Rose: Well, it seems there's only one way to get it back.  
>Sir Ormerod: Which is?<br>Mr Rose: Attack!  
>Narrator: The Knights and their followers run toward Mr Carnegie, brandishing their weapons. Sir Ormerod reaches the cabinet, in which the Holy Anaesthetic is encased, at the same time as Mr Carnegie. Meanwhile, the Black Knight, the Knights who say Ankylosing Spondylitis Thrombophlebitis, Nurse Deane and Mr Greengrass appear and join in the fighting. The Black Knight manages to pull Mr Rose's pipe from his mouth and fling it across the room. As he does so, Mr Rose grabs him in a head-lock.<br>Mr Rose: HA!  
>Black Knight: I can still beat you, you know!<p>

_Mr Rose belts him at the knees with his golf club. The Black Knight whimpers. _

Narrator: Mr Carnegie and Sir Ormerod both grab the Holy Anaesthetic at the same time. They tug at it. _**Crash!**_ The Holy Anaesthetic is on the floor in smithereens.  
>Mr Carnegie: Nooooo!<br>Sir Ormerod: That was your fault!  
>Mr Carnegie: No, it wasn't! You dropped it.<br>Sir Ormerod: No, I didn't!  
>Mr Carnegie: Yes, you did!<p>

_**Pause.**_

Mr Carnegie: I have nothing left now. I think my stay at this hospital has come to an end.  
>Mr Rose: Good riddance!<br>Mr Carnegie: Catherine?  
>Narrator: Nurse Deane looks around at her colleagues and friends.<br>Nurse Deane: No, Adam. This is where I belong.

_All but Mr Carnegie smile at her._

Mr Carnegie: Well, if that's how you feel.  
>Nurse Deane: Yes. Yes, it is.<br>Mr Carnegie: Well, then.

**The Royal Hospital Song (to the tune of Camelot)****  
><strong>  
>We're the Knights who say AST,<br>We've said Ni-eedle in the past,  
>For patients we care,<br>Nights out are rare,  
>It's time to go home at last.<br>Men should learn we do not mingle,  
>We're better off being single.<p>

We're the Knights of pushing trolleys,  
>We're made to look like wallies,<br>We fix the beds,  
>Dispose of legs,<br>And provide kiddies with dollies.  
>We wear brown Porters' coats with pride,<br>We'll always stay by Matron's side.

We're the Knights of The Royal Hospital,  
>We dance with boiled scalpels,<br>We listen to chests,  
>And do blood tests,<br>And see patients by the handful.  
>We are really full of knowledge,<p>

Sir Ormerod: I really love this Hospital Cottage!

Black Knight: Are you going to let me go now?

_Mr Rose looks surprised._

Mr Rose: No!

_The Black Knight whimpers again._

**The End.**


End file.
